Open Graves, Open Minds

The following is in no way a proper critique of the romance genre. I’ve just had to read quite a few for my Table of Werewolves and certain aspects have become grating. So, without further ado, here are:

Seven scenarios you will never find in a Werewolf Romance

1) “Alpha? Beta? No, we’ve eschewed hierarchy as we feel it is a human dominance model that is normally found in capitalist societies and doesn’t reflect the natural state of humans and non-human animals. We’ve actually built an egalitarian society in which we make joint decisions”.

2) The Alpha stepped forward. He was short, slightly portly and wore glasses. In one hand he held a handset for a games console and in the other a copy of Harry Potter.

He stumbled slightly as he approached, failed to balance both objects instead dropping the novel, as he reached forward to shake my hand.

“I’m Gary”, he stuttered. “Have you tried turning it off and on again? … Oh, sorry, I meant, how can I help”?

3) Raphael leant forward. his eyes glowing like embers. The musky scent of masculine desire oozed from his every pore. He put his hands on either side of Lisa’s head … manfully, and brought his body towards hers so she could feel the heat of his body.

“You will be mine”, he growled, the noise like velvet being dragged over potholes on a well-used London road.

Suddenly, from the shadows, another figure emerged. The stranger smacked Raphael round the back of the head.

“For the love of Goddess, Raphael, what part of informed consent can you not get through your thick head”?

4) Camille leaned in towards Christian’s full lips. He had been so kind, so attentive towards her, she felt he deserved a reward.

“Erm”, said Christian quizzically. “I’m gay”.

5) I have a secret: I’m a female werewolf. Luckily, it’s about a 50/50 split between males and females in the werewolf community so no-one needs to compete for me.

6) The Alpha looked at the bristling examples of masculinity in front of her. Dominic and St. John burned (look in case you didn’t notice, werewolves are super hot and animalistic, that is what the fire imagery is insinuating) with masculine pride and the need to dominate.

There was only one thing to do in this situation.

“If you cannot settle this like civilised weres, you leave me with no choice”, the Alpha intoned. “It is trial … by flower arranging”.

7) Selene looked from Lucian to Rex. Lucian, so gentle but powerful, the rightful Alpha; his honour shone like a beacon in the darkness of Selene’s life. Though his golden head was bowed she could sense the emerald of his eyes boring into her soul. And Rex, the lone wolf, who had given so much to return and help her on her quest. Beneath his broken exterior she sensed the deep yearning of his heart to be whole again. He ran his fingers through his raven locks and arched his eyebrow at her. His obsidian eyes held a look of arrogance tinged with pain.

She had to say something or her attempt to save her sister who had been caught by the Demon Lord, Anorack, would fail.

Holding up her left hand between the two, Selene simply said, “Yeah, I’m happily married. And not in a bored-house-wife, my-man-doesn’t-understand-my-deepest-passions way. We are safe-word a-go-go when the mood strikes us. Like properly, happily married.

In fact, the sooner we find my sister, the sooner I can text hubs to tell him to get me tea on. So, friends, yeah? And looking at you two glowering at each other makes me wonder if you need read up on Sedgwick and homosocial desire”.